Simple Ways of Dealing with a Distant Boyfriend
85My Boyfriend is acting Distant.
I've been branded the 'Advice Queen' among most of my girlfriends and have been faced with this question a few times buy friends of mine. I'm no expert but I do give the best advice I can and have had no complaints...yet. A friend of mine had some boy trouble in the form of distance and time. Her boyfriend wasn't all over her as usual; he preferred being on his own and the phone calls, texts, emails, facebook pokes amounted to one or three a week. When she came over all she could say was 'He's being so distant lately, what am I doing wrong? Should I do something? How can I fix it?
*sigh* Drama can be too much sometimes right?! ;)
I gave my usual reply to any of the cries for help, that come my way. 'How would I know I'm the one that repels men'. They've been together for 4 years, this was really bothering her, I thought about it for a second, gathered my thoughts and gave it my best shot. *I say that like I'm the all knowing-I'M NOT!*
These are my tips for dealing with a distant boyfriend, what Can I do?
It doesn't matter if you've not been with your guy that long; you might even be married, if you're in the same boat it just may help you too.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS, THEY ARE OFTEN BEST, IF SOMETHING DOESN'T FEEL RIGHT, IT OFTEN ISN'T RIGHT AT ALL.
There are a number of reasons a guy can get distant (if you're a girl that has more guy friends than girls or a woman with vast life experience under your belt, you may know this already).
Stress: It could be work related, the pressures of family life, being in a relationship, university deadlines etc.
Avoidance: he may be being distant as a form of avoiding a situation, which has nothing to do with you, but believes he must avoid you in order to avoid that problem because you may force cause or push him to face it.
Fear: perhaps he has noticed how needy he is becoming and he believes this might cause him to lose his independence, he probably likes you so much that it has just dawned on him how much he loves you or is falling in love with you and this might be to much for him. He may also fear the level of commitment or an increase in expectations you may have.
Cheating: yes it is quite possible that he maybe cheating, but being distant isn't the only sign of infidelity. So fret not ladies.
There are a number of things you should and should not do:
NO-NOs
Wasting time worrying, it will do neither of you any favours, and he will sense that you're worrying which will make him even more nervy and cold.
S-Mothering him: he needs your reassurance that he can handle this sitch like a man, he is not a baby, or your child.
Taking it personally: more than often it has nothing to do with you it can be work,friend,family related.
Trying solving it for him: it could put an end to your relationship, if he wanted you to solve he would have said so.
Playing mind games to get what's going on out of him: he will no enjoy it and feel he may not be able to trust him.
Making a big deal out of it, when he does open up and talk.
Mode of Action
Giving him all the space he needs: if it's a freedom, independence fear thing, he'd snap right back to you with time.
Loving the hell out of your man: he needs you now more than ever before.
Staying happy, hence the not worrying or game play to get him to talk.
Reassure him that you trust and believe him. Give him confidence let him know he can handle it.
Stay breezy/chilled out/calm when you're together, if he retires to another room, keep it all happy and smiley where you're at, he'd come out to feel the love. Positive energy is like a yawn.Contagious!
Set up some quiet time between the two of you, no distractions where he feels he can talk and he just might!
Something to Consider
Are you being too needy/demanding/clingy? This can lead to your guy getting a little distant.
Ladies, it's all fixable, just beware it could be the worst case scenario- he's ready to end it and is detaching himself so it won't hurt when he's leaving. It can be rough when your guy gets all cold but it can be handled, as soon as you spot it. Be brave it's never always worst case scenario.
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:D cheers Cags!
I agree honesty, trust and openness is a must for any relationship. It can be tough sometimes being a 'go to' but I do love my friends :)
Hello Sa Toya it is always nice to read your hubs. I think I always say this but you always seem so wise beyond your years and you have given some great advice to your friend, however having said that, men are just not that complicated...just like the movie "He's not that into you", most of the time when they do act like this, they are ready to go but who knows I am not an expert but I do have some experience with men and sometimes us women over anaylize things to death when men just act the way they do because it comes naturally to them to be indifferent when they are not interested anymore. Good hub.
totally agree with you here...us women over analyse. Most guys I know sometimes get quiet just because or for no reason. thanks for stopping by :D
Womwn think differently from men. We network and discuss everything more than men. Except for sports. My boss never stops talking about football. Great hub!
Any ideas how to cope when your boyfriend is so busy and stressed with work he just has no time for you for months and months? He tried finding time once a week but was always so grumpy and antisocial it's just not worth it.
@Cheeky Girl...lol at your boss, I do love football. I love how different we are from men but sometimes being more similar would help!
@ Fish girl...If a guy has no time for yo for months and months...it's definitely not worth it, unless he's absolutely amazing and there is a guarantee it will get better soon. Unlikely right?! So I guess my advice would be to move on!
Totally agreeing that it's not worth it, if the only time you have together, he is a grumpy so and so. You get nothing out of being with him.
Thanks for stopping by nonetheless. Not sure if you were speaking about your present situation or a past one but good luck :D
Very good advice. Especially about going with your gut feeling. Sometimes it's not what we want to hear, but the truth can hurt. That 'distance' could mean they are covering something up if you have reason to believe he may not be honest. Watch the one who tells 'half-truths'. Then there is the one who has holes in his story. But it's not always bad news either. Whatever way you look at it, going with a gut feeling is a good thing.
I read this Hub too late, made all the mistakes.. Luckily he is still talking to me, I might get another chance to put it right...Who knows.
we resently gt together he is a walking closed book. his distant by the day. wat shud i do
as a guy i have to say i have been distant before, my advice is to try and start conversions with him, asking how he feels. us cavemen have feelers to, we just hide them. most men are very insecure and sensitive. tell him you love him and your here for him. also stroke his ego a little bit. ask him whats wrong and see if he will tell you, if not dont ask again for a while. most likely he will tell you after a few days when he is not in as bad of mood. if any of you have advice about a distant girlfriend im in desperate need of help. i love her with all my heart and i dont want to loose her. my email is riker9@hotmail.com
When you stretch a rubber band it puts pressure on it and it can snap. However, if you dont pressurise it it will never break. Relationships are like rubber bands! Also, I often find if you distance yourself from your boyfriend that he begins to wonder what is wrong and makes much more of an effort to communicate with you.
hi i liked your hub really interesting i found myself able to connect and relate to the question ... Are you being too needy/demanding/clingy? if im being honest me and my partner have been together nearly 3 years now and sometimes i don't know if it's a relationship we have or a friends with benefits relationship the reason im saying this is because when we first got together if was great for the first few months or so as everyone was so happy for the both of us but as time went by people then stated the ball of rumors going by saying things for example i was trying to reap him with a child and that he's a player and so on ............ i sometimes think to myself what should i do because when were alone it's the best feeling ever but the when his friends (BOYS) get in contact he seems to put them before me and some of them in the past have tried leading him a stray ......… he's a really nicer guy don't get me wrong but he doesn't. always treat me the way he knows he should for example he expects me to stop what im doing for example if he calls me and wants me to go to his house he then expects me to be down at his within 20 mins or so of him calling me and he apparently he tells people that he doesn't do girlfriend's but if that was the case would he get paranoid and always want to know were i am who im with and who comes and goes to my house .............. please please help or advise me as im now tried of feeling emotionally confused and blackmailed as i want to move on and find someone new but he's making it really hard as ive tried before and it doesn't seem to work as in the past ive been at the point of happiness and he's the taken it from under me by acting how he always does when were alone .......... if you could get back to me i would really appreciate it ... if u want to contact me by e-mail . my address is bibyangel2k8@msn.com
all the things you said where "no-no,s" i have done! arhhh this opened my eyes!!
It says in your article that he might be cheating. It scares the hell out of me! I try not to think about it but it makes me nuts!
Im goin thru somin like tht I feel like hes cheatin cause I went frm c n him 3 times a week to maybe twice a month he use to call b for he go to wrk while he at wrk whn he get off all the way to his house but all tht.hve change we do hve a 9 month so whn he call it just b about the baby I havent answered his call in4 days I need advice I dnt hve.a email so please respond back
Mine is an odd one...my bf made an off color comment about my family a few days ago. I called him on it, he apologized up and down but then insisted that I take some time to think - he offered ME space. I took a day at his insistence and came back to let him know what I had decided. He didnt even reply to my message and has been cold to me ever since. He messages in the morning to check up like a bf would but blows me off around 5pm every night. The next morning he apologizes and gives an excuse for disappearing. I've found that the only way he will even carry on a conversation with me is if I act super happy and busy - like I have tons and tons of stuff going on. Then he gets nosey and asks me if I'm hanging out guys or girls. Please tell me - is he braking up with me and being a coward about it? Or is he just taking some time off?
I have big trouble about my ex Pedro five (5) months ago and I felt since the very first moment this is the love of my life. The first month i talk to him he was still indifferent to the situation even I felt he was behind all women except me. I asked myself: Does he know that I still exist? I was feeling terrible about this because deep in my mind I knew he was the right person for me i could not just get his feelings up me. My friend, Giulia told me: There is this Dr, Messiah he might help you. I was skeptical at the beginning to be honest because I never believe in these types of things for spiritual cancelling. I decided to contact Dr. Messiah because i have no option, and he was very sweet, and he knew also that Pedro was meant to be my soul mate. He cast me a Love Spell that worked in 6 days,i was so happy when Pedro invited me to dinner,after that we take a stroll to the disco hall i could not just forget the fun of that day…..now he is just mine!! Thank Dr. Messiah contact freemercytemple@yahoo.com so much and i believe he can help similar problems!!!
Cagsil Level 7 Commenter 2 years ago
I liked your hub. It's always to have a firm grasp on the relationship and where each one of the relationship wants it to go. The distance being created by very little contact is apparently how he wants it and not her, so there is a conflict. This needs to be discussed between them, openly and honestly, so as to strengthen the relationship. Should one not be honest about their feelings about the relationship, then everything else isn't going to make sense and will only cause more confusion. Thank you for sharing how people come to you for advice. It's always going to be like that, because we depend on one another for support and honesty. :)